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A Letter to Allah or Jesus Concerning Christian Pulisic

It's been a long time since I posted anything. The reason for this is because I moved to Guadalajara, Mexico, and things have been kind of weird. I'm barely surviving. I'm teaching English classes for a painfully low amount. And I don't really know how it's going to change in the next few days, though I know something needs to change.


So, I never talked about this "dunk":

And the reason I didn't talk about it is because I don't really care. But one thing I will say is that I don't really believe it. Which is a little bit crazy, since Pulisic confirmed in a video the other day that the rim was indeed 10 feet. That's the part I don't really believe. Because it doesn't look like he jumps that high. And I know how hard it is to dunk, and I'm almost 6'2''. Pulisic is, at most, 5'10''. And it doesn't really look like he gets up ALL THAT MUCH. But anyway. Who cares.

Apparently Pulisic didn't play that well last weekend against Freiburg. I wouldn't really know, since I was teaching an English class for $2.50 a fucking hour during the match. But I'm glad I missed most of it, because Dortmund played like feces that come from a dog. I don't think CP played all that bad, but he certainly didn't do anything exceptional.

As for all the Aubameyang shit, I only have this to say: Who cares. Let him go. So he's going to England? Fine. Whatever. I'm so sick of Aubameyang transfer news dominating all things Dortmund over the last few weeks. Don't need to hear any more about it. I like Auba, to a certain extent, but good riddance.

Luciky, since the Cologne game is on a Friday, I'll be able to watch it. But if Dortmund plays like they did against Freiburg, I don't want to watch it.

Please Jesus or Allah or whoever's in charge up there, can Pulisic do one of his runs where he beats four defenders, but this time score?

Your friend,



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It all started with this:

Jesus. One of the finer strikes of the season. Also, what a beautiful from (I think) Zagadou. And what a beautiful first touch from Aubameyang. Oh, how I long for the days of August. When the air was warm and the girls were walking around wearing basically nothing. Back when I was young and innocent.

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Here's Pulisic knifing through four defenders and slipping Kagawa into the box for a great chance — Scuffed (@zlebmada) December 6, 2017

And tomorrow, of course, Dortmund play Hoffenheim at home. I wrote a preview for this game on Fear the Wall and I'm a little ashamed of it. Feel like I was trying too hard. But that's natural when you just start writing for a publication. You want to impress. And in my case, you want people to laugh. The key is to not try TOO hard.

I will also be tweeting the game for Fear the Wall tomorrow if any of you would like to follow along.

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