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What to do when Dortmund plays like a steaming pile of dog shit (an exercise in expletives)

Jesus fucking shit what a fucking game yesterday vs. Apoel Nicosia. The first half was pretty good. Dortmund dominated. But mother of fucking shit was the second half a huge pile of horse shit with a little steaming turd of dog shit on top. And the dog shit was probably runny.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS DORTMUND DOING IN THE SECOND HALF?

It was a complete fucking regression. They were doing that thing where they throw their hands in the air like, "Waaaaaaa, I don't know who to fucking pass to. I don't know how to play soccer. I just wanna go sit in the locker room and cry." WHAT THE FUCK?????

And then that fucking goal from fucking Apoel piece of Cypriot shit Nicosia. Jesus. Dortmund defends well and then on ONE FUCKING PLAY -- one fucking play! -- the team decides to go into a coma and Michael or whatever the fuck his name is Pote makes Dortmund look like a bunch of 8-year-olds.

Pulisic actually played pretty well. He had a perfect cross to Aubameyang that Aubameyang hit off the crossbar despite the wide open net. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO AUBAMEYANG? DID HE GET HYPNOTIZED? DID HE FORGET HOW TO SCORE GOALS? I'm sure he'll get better but Jesus what a fucking dry streak.
Anyway, anyway. Götze is supposedly back to 100% and he has looked better but MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE BEST GERMAN PLAYERS IN EXISTENCE AND MOST OF THE TIME YOUR PRESENCE ON THE FIELD IS FUCKING (how do you say? Oh yes:) IRRELEVANT! YES THAT'S EXACTLY THE WORD. MOST OF THE TIME YOU'RE ON THE FIELD YOU COULD BE REPLACED BY A FUCKING DONKEY EATING A CARROT AND THE DONKEY WOULD BE JUST AS EFFECTIVE. DO YOU HEAR ME?

(Also I'm probably not going to Dortmund now. I'm probably going to Copenhagen. But we'll see. A battle is being fought between my "gut" and my "brain.")

MOTHER OF BABY JESUS IN A MANGER PETER BOSZ WHY DO YOU MAKE THE WINGERS PLAY SO FUCKING WIDE? IF THEY TAKE ONE MORE STEP THEY'LL BE SITTING IN THE FUCKING STANDS DRINKING HEISSE FUCKING SCHOKOLADE.

Ok I'm calm now. I'm calm. See the thing is I wanted to use frequent flyer miles to get to Dusseldorf but then found out that British Airways has massive surcharges, the crooks, when you use miles so it ended up being almost the same price to just use cash to Copenhagen.

FUCKING SERIOUSLY BOSZ WHAT DID YOU DO TO CHRISTIAN PULISIC THAT HAS MADE HIM MORE TENTATIVE LATELY. I KNOW YOU FUCKING SAID SOMETHING DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME OR I WILL HAVE YOU ON A TRAIN BACK TO EINDHOVEN OR WHEREVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU'RE FROM FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "GEGENTOR."

OK my hand kind of hurts now from all the caps since I'm using shift and not the caps lock button. All I'm going to say now is, FIGURE IT OUT BOSZ. FIGURE IT OUT, DORTMUND. FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT.

(Also, Buczko, sup with your ratings, dawg? I think cha boi played a little better than a MOTHERFUCKING THREE.

[Jesus].)

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