Skip to main content

What to do when Dortmund plays like a steaming pile of dog shit (an exercise in expletives)

Jesus fucking shit what a fucking game yesterday vs. Apoel Nicosia. The first half was pretty good. Dortmund dominated. But mother of fucking shit was the second half a huge pile of horse shit with a little steaming turd of dog shit on top. And the dog shit was probably runny.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS DORTMUND DOING IN THE SECOND HALF?

It was a complete fucking regression. They were doing that thing where they throw their hands in the air like, "Waaaaaaa, I don't know who to fucking pass to. I don't know how to play soccer. I just wanna go sit in the locker room and cry." WHAT THE FUCK?????

And then that fucking goal from fucking Apoel piece of Cypriot shit Nicosia. Jesus. Dortmund defends well and then on ONE FUCKING PLAY -- one fucking play! -- the team decides to go into a coma and Michael or whatever the fuck his name is Pote makes Dortmund look like a bunch of 8-year-olds.

Pulisic actually played pretty well. He had a perfect cross to Aubameyang that Aubameyang hit off the crossbar despite the wide open net. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO AUBAMEYANG? DID HE GET HYPNOTIZED? DID HE FORGET HOW TO SCORE GOALS? I'm sure he'll get better but Jesus what a fucking dry streak.
Anyway, anyway. Götze is supposedly back to 100% and he has looked better but MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE BEST GERMAN PLAYERS IN EXISTENCE AND MOST OF THE TIME YOUR PRESENCE ON THE FIELD IS FUCKING (how do you say? Oh yes:) IRRELEVANT! YES THAT'S EXACTLY THE WORD. MOST OF THE TIME YOU'RE ON THE FIELD YOU COULD BE REPLACED BY A FUCKING DONKEY EATING A CARROT AND THE DONKEY WOULD BE JUST AS EFFECTIVE. DO YOU HEAR ME?

(Also I'm probably not going to Dortmund now. I'm probably going to Copenhagen. But we'll see. A battle is being fought between my "gut" and my "brain.")

MOTHER OF BABY JESUS IN A MANGER PETER BOSZ WHY DO YOU MAKE THE WINGERS PLAY SO FUCKING WIDE? IF THEY TAKE ONE MORE STEP THEY'LL BE SITTING IN THE FUCKING STANDS DRINKING HEISSE FUCKING SCHOKOLADE.

Ok I'm calm now. I'm calm. See the thing is I wanted to use frequent flyer miles to get to Dusseldorf but then found out that British Airways has massive surcharges, the crooks, when you use miles so it ended up being almost the same price to just use cash to Copenhagen.

FUCKING SERIOUSLY BOSZ WHAT DID YOU DO TO CHRISTIAN PULISIC THAT HAS MADE HIM MORE TENTATIVE LATELY. I KNOW YOU FUCKING SAID SOMETHING DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME OR I WILL HAVE YOU ON A TRAIN BACK TO EINDHOVEN OR WHEREVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU'RE FROM FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "GEGENTOR."

OK my hand kind of hurts now from all the caps since I'm using shift and not the caps lock button. All I'm going to say now is, FIGURE IT OUT BOSZ. FIGURE IT OUT, DORTMUND. FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT.

(Also, Buczko, sup with your ratings, dawg? I think cha boi played a little better than a MOTHERFUCKING THREE.

[Jesus].)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Match Preview: Dortmund vs FC Nurnberg

Hello Pulisic Fans,

And welcome to the Straight Outta Hershey Preview for today's blockbuster match between Borussia Dortmund and newly-promoted FC Nurnberg. A few fun facts about Nurnberg: It's the second largest city in Bavaria after Munich; its golden age came in the 1400s; it held special significance during the German Nazi Era. So obviously the first thing isn't great, since Bayern Munich is the scourge of the Bundesliga with players like Robben and Ribery; and the third thing isn't great either, for obvious reasons. 
But let's talk about soccer. Let's talk about football. Let's talk about cricket. Let's talk about Brazilian Ju-Jitsu. And, maybe, let's talk about Christian Pulisic?  🤔 So könnten sie spielen. #BVBFCNpic.twitter.com/d4UJ7QZg2n — Borussia Dortmund (@BVB) September 25, 2018 Here's how  BVB's twitter account thinks BVB could line up today against Nurnberg. I find this interesting. No Mo Dahoud? Lucien Favre LOVES Mo Dahoud…

Pulisic needs to score, I need to get a job

Hi, friends. I'm tired. I flew back from Germany the other day and am still adjusting. I saw Pulisic in person at the Dortmund Mainz game, in Mainz. It was incredible. He was about 40 feet away from me. And then Dortmund won.
Here's Pulisic knifing through four defenders and slipping Kagawa into the box for a great chance pic.twitter.com/Q5bVimFnrd — Scuffed (@zlebmada) December 6, 2017

And tomorrow, of course, Dortmund play Hoffenheim at home. I wrote a preview for this game on Fear the Wall and I'm a little ashamed of it. Feel like I was trying too hard. But that's natural when you just start writing for a publication. You want to impress. And in my case, you want people to laugh. The key is to not try TOO hard.

I will also be tweeting the game for Fear the Wall tomorrow if any of you would like to follow along.

But wow, Christian Pulisic. US male soccer player of the year! Not that there was anyone else remotely in the runnings. I would be curious to know who the o…

Hopefully Pulisic: A Review of Dortmund vs. Nurnberg

Hey Pulisic fans,

Did Pulisic play soccer yesterday? I don't quite remember. I got up in the morning, went for a long jog, got the kids off to school, and then I just spent the whole rest of the day playing hearts and solitaire on the computer. At around 11:30am ODT time my leg started twitching, and I started breathing heavily, and I think I might've even started speaking in German, or maybe even Danish, but I wrote it off as some of the effects of the two months of sobriety I'm experiencing.

Actually, at approximately that time (more like 11:39am PDT), this was happening:
Jacob Bruun Larsen scores his first goal for Dortmund, but what about that set-up from Christian Pulisic? 👀

What an assist from the American! pic.twitter.com/Tb1BbCEMyL — FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) September 26, 2018 And of course I was watching it. In fact, I even got a trial subscription to YouTube TV just so I could get Fox Sports 2 and watch the showdown yesterday between Borussia Dortmund and FC Nu…