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Cha Boi Like to Score Dem Goal Whey He Slice 'N Dice

I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking: Damn, cha boi hasn't scored in a bit. I mean, yeah, he scored against Stuttgart a couple games ago, but that doesn't really count because he wasn't trying. When he gonna do one a dem goals where he dice dem fools den put dee ball in dee back o' dee net?

And I'm like, totally.

But let's also be honest: Christian Pulisic, as his mortal name goes, hasn't really ever done one of dem goals where he dices fools up and beats a bunch of people and then puts the ball in the back of the net. Usually, after he dices fools, he passes, or misses. But one day, ONE DAY, that slice and dice, amazing dribble run goal will happen. It's the law of averages. It's Murphy's Law. It's the law of attrition. It's the long arm of the law. And maybe -- maybe -- it will happen today against Bayer Leverkusen.

I'm not going to lie to you folks because, even though I lie constantly, I rarely like when it comes to Borussia Dortmund and Christian Pulisic. But I will say this: I don't know jack shit about Bayer Leverkusen. I know they have a Jamaican kid who like to slice and/or dice, but that's all I know. I know they're from the same general part of Germany that Dortmund is. I know they're in contention for a Champions League spot.

I also know I'm gonna be streaming the shit out of this game using the VPN service Tunnel Bear, because I can log into my parents' Xfinity account from Peru, but I gotta have an American IP address, and Tunnel Bear makes this possible. So thank you technology. Thank you Germany. Thank you Jamaica. Thank you Christian Pulisic. Maybe the football gods be with you today.


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