Skip to main content

Is Christian Pulisic Jesus?

Today I would like to pose a question: Is Christian Pulisic the second coming of Jesus of Nazareth, Christ our Lord?

You might think I pose this question in jest. I assure you I do not. The men have many similarities: They're both miracle workers; they both have ties to the Mediterranean; and they're both capable of wicked changes of pace (with JC I'm kind of just assuming; since he could walk on water and turn stone into bread I'm assuming he also had a pretty fast first step, too).

But is Pulisic actually the second coming of Jesus Christ?

Let's look at today's game against RB Leipzig in which Peter Bosz decided to start Pulisic on the bench. This might've been tough for Pulisic: In the last game that mattered, against Real Madrid, Bosz also left him on the bench. And now there was this game, the one pundits were saying was the first real challenge for Borussia Dortmund this season and a chance to see what they were really made of. Turns out, not all that much. The back line looked semi-shitty. Jeremy Toljan played with his head up his ass half his time on the field. Götze looked better than in previous performances but still not all that effective. Sahin, a non-factor. Yarmolenko, some beautiful skills and passes but looks as if since moving out of Ukraine he's developed some kind of aging disorder in which he ages a year in the time it takes most people to age a week.

As Hebrews 12: 11-12 states, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

What does this have to do with Pulisic and him being like Jesus? Honestly, I don't really know. And just for the record, I don't believe in Jesus, but I do believe in Pulisic.

It's almost as if Bosz is trying to rule out Maximilian Philipp and Yarmolenko before he can put Pulisic full time in one of their places. Or at least this is what I like to think. He knows Pulisic is solid, and he's just waiting for one of them to drop off, at which point Pulisic will be in. I'm sure Pulisic will start against Apoel Nicosia on Tuesday in Cypress, and maybe Bosz was thinking, I better save his start for a must-win Champions League game on an island in the Mediterranean that feels kind of Biblical.  The question: Will Pulisic walk on water?

Now, I know what you're thinking: Paddle boarding is for losers. I completely agree. But let me just say this: Christian Pulisic is no SUP-er, he's an attacking midfielder.

And also, Michael Bradley sucks ass.


Popular posts from this blog

Match Preview: Dortmund vs FC Nurnberg

Hello Pulisic Fans,

And welcome to the Straight Outta Hershey Preview for today's blockbuster match between Borussia Dortmund and newly-promoted FC Nurnberg. A few fun facts about Nurnberg: It's the second largest city in Bavaria after Munich; its golden age came in the 1400s; it held special significance during the German Nazi Era. So obviously the first thing isn't great, since Bayern Munich is the scourge of the Bundesliga with players like Robben and Ribery; and the third thing isn't great either, for obvious reasons. 
But let's talk about soccer. Let's talk about football. Let's talk about cricket. Let's talk about Brazilian Ju-Jitsu. And, maybe, let's talk about Christian Pulisic?  🤔 So könnten sie spielen. — Borussia Dortmund (@BVB) September 25, 2018 Here's how  BVB's twitter account thinks BVB could line up today against Nurnberg. I find this interesting. No Mo Dahoud? Lucien Favre LOVES Mo Dahoud…

Pulisic needs to score, I need to get a job

Hi, friends. I'm tired. I flew back from Germany the other day and am still adjusting. I saw Pulisic in person at the Dortmund Mainz game, in Mainz. It was incredible. He was about 40 feet away from me. And then Dortmund won.
Here's Pulisic knifing through four defenders and slipping Kagawa into the box for a great chance — Scuffed (@zlebmada) December 6, 2017

And tomorrow, of course, Dortmund play Hoffenheim at home. I wrote a preview for this game on Fear the Wall and I'm a little ashamed of it. Feel like I was trying too hard. But that's natural when you just start writing for a publication. You want to impress. And in my case, you want people to laugh. The key is to not try TOO hard.

I will also be tweeting the game for Fear the Wall tomorrow if any of you would like to follow along.

But wow, Christian Pulisic. US male soccer player of the year! Not that there was anyone else remotely in the runnings. I would be curious to know who the o…

Hopefully Pulisic: A Review of Dortmund vs. Nurnberg

Hey Pulisic fans,

Did Pulisic play soccer yesterday? I don't quite remember. I got up in the morning, went for a long jog, got the kids off to school, and then I just spent the whole rest of the day playing hearts and solitaire on the computer. At around 11:30am ODT time my leg started twitching, and I started breathing heavily, and I think I might've even started speaking in German, or maybe even Danish, but I wrote it off as some of the effects of the two months of sobriety I'm experiencing.

Actually, at approximately that time (more like 11:39am PDT), this was happening:
Jacob Bruun Larsen scores his first goal for Dortmund, but what about that set-up from Christian Pulisic? 👀

What an assist from the American! — FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) September 26, 2018 And of course I was watching it. In fact, I even got a trial subscription to YouTube TV just so I could get Fox Sports 2 and watch the showdown yesterday between Borussia Dortmund and FC Nu…