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Is Christian Pulisic Jesus?

Today I would like to pose a question: Is Christian Pulisic the second coming of Jesus of Nazareth, Christ our Lord?

You might think I pose this question in jest. I assure you I do not. The men have many similarities: They're both miracle workers; they both have ties to the Mediterranean; and they're both capable of wicked changes of pace (with JC I'm kind of just assuming; since he could walk on water and turn stone into bread I'm assuming he also had a pretty fast first step, too).

But is Pulisic actually the second coming of Jesus Christ?

Let's look at today's game against RB Leipzig in which Peter Bosz decided to start Pulisic on the bench. This might've been tough for Pulisic: In the last game that mattered, against Real Madrid, Bosz also left him on the bench. And now there was this game, the one pundits were saying was the first real challenge for Borussia Dortmund this season and a chance to see what they were really made of. Turns out, not all that much. The back line looked semi-shitty. Jeremy Toljan played with his head up his ass half his time on the field. Götze looked better than in previous performances but still not all that effective. Sahin, a non-factor. Yarmolenko, some beautiful skills and passes but looks as if since moving out of Ukraine he's developed some kind of aging disorder in which he ages a year in the time it takes most people to age a week.

As Hebrews 12: 11-12 states, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

What does this have to do with Pulisic and him being like Jesus? Honestly, I don't really know. And just for the record, I don't believe in Jesus, but I do believe in Pulisic.

It's almost as if Bosz is trying to rule out Maximilian Philipp and Yarmolenko before he can put Pulisic full time in one of their places. Or at least this is what I like to think. He knows Pulisic is solid, and he's just waiting for one of them to drop off, at which point Pulisic will be in. I'm sure Pulisic will start against Apoel Nicosia on Tuesday in Cypress, and maybe Bosz was thinking, I better save his start for a must-win Champions League game on an island in the Mediterranean that feels kind of Biblical.  The question: Will Pulisic walk on water?

Now, I know what you're thinking: Paddle boarding is for losers. I completely agree. But let me just say this: Christian Pulisic is no SUP-er, he's an attacking midfielder.

And also, Michael Bradley sucks ass.


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Man, what a rough stretch it's been. First this happened:
New post (Christian Pulisic scratched from Dortmund squad with muscle injury) has been published on Fifa World Cup - — FIFA Events (@FIFA_Events) November 25, 2017 Then, Pulisic missed the next game against Tottenham, a game that didn't really matter as far as standings went but was huge for team morale. And guess what, CHA BOI (me) WAS AT THAT GAME!

Yes, Pulisic fans, I actually went to a game. In Dortmund. I actually went to the city of Dortmund, and I actually had a ticket to the Borussia Dortmund vs. Tottenham game, and I actually went to the stadium, and I actually sat in a seat, and my eyes actually took in the game and the Yellow Wall and the fanfare and all of it.

But, of course, Dortmund lost. And Pulisic didn't play.

Luckily Pulisic was back for the Revierderby against Schalke, as evidenced here:
👇 Hier ist der Beweis! #LTpic.twitter.…

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But first, let's start with a GIF: It's been a quiet half for Christian Pulisic so far, but here is a gif of him faking out 2 #SGE players. — GolazoJuice (@GolazoJuice) October 21, 2017 I'll give you a moment to collect your jaws off the floor or get the urine out of your boxers or whatever it is you need to do, and then we'll move forward.


Good. What's so special about this GIF? The fact that it's really not that special. Pulisic does this kind of stuff all the time. And I love to use italics because they make things so much more dramatic.

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