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Match Preview: Dortmund vs. Monaco, Champions League Bash, Pulisic Due, Who the hell is Michael Bradley?

Friends,

Today's post will be a little different, as I will not only be commenting on Wednesday's Champions League extravaganza between Borussia Dortmund (all hail their name) and Monaco, but also the upcoming USMNT friendlies Christian Pulisic is slated to participate in, along with some bald guy who's not very good at soccer.
I don't want to go into this too much, so that's all I'm going to say: Michael Bradley is a kook. He's been the worst USMNT player for a long time. He's one of the key reasons the USMNT has been bad over the last six or so years. And now they're bringing him back? Good one, Dave Sarachan. Really showing you know something about the game. Good one, US Soccer. Why don't we bring back Jozy Altidore too, then? And Clint Dempsey? And Landon Donovan? Why don't we play with the same players we had in the mid 90s? That would certainly be very fitting for the USMNT.

But enough about the USMNT. They'll eventually work it out, it might just take a few more humiliations. Let's talk now about Dortmund's clash Wednesday against a team called Monaco. Two years ago I actually went to Monaco. I was staying in Nice, getting over a broken heart or possibly just a congested chest, and took a day trip into Monaco. I walked by the ritzy hotels. I walked down to the water and dangled my feet over the the edge of dock. And then I walked to a cafe and got a baguette. That was the extent of my stay in Monaco. The things that impressed me were: It's really freaking mountainous, and, it's just cool to say, "I'm in Monaco."

But I don't remember anything about a soccer stadium.

Also two years ago a young Frenchman made his debut for Monaco. You might have heard of him.

 Imagine if Jesus would've played soccer, and you get an idea of how talented Kylian Mbappe is. He's Top 5 in the world right now. That is not my opinion. That is a fact. Messi, a guy accused of sexual assault, Mbappe -- and who else. Kane? Salah? Daniel Sturridge (jk)?

But now who does Monaco have? People who watched the World Cup will recognize names like Falcao, who played for a South American team that tried to cheat its way to the top and almost succeeded. They also have goalkeeper Danijel Subasic, and a guy named Pele. I'm pretty sure it's not THE Pele, but I could be mistaken. I've been known to be mistaken. I'm usually mistaken.

Lucien Favre, meanwhile, is facing a grandiose Paradox of Choice. It's like he's a chef with the best ingredients in the world, but if he combines the flavors wrong, the results could be dastardly. Bundesliga.com seems to think Pulisic will start up top along with Reus, Sancho, and everyone's tenth favorite Spaniard, Paco Alcacer. Paco Alcacer doesn't speak German. I'm pretty sure he doesn't speak English. But he does have great presence on the ball, and has shown a knack for putting the ball in the back of the net.

The keys to this game will be the following: weather the storm in the first 20 minutes, as Monaco are going to come out swinging like a bantam weight who's just snorted several lines of cocaine and wants nothing more than to get into a fight. But if Dortmund can get on the board first, things should be relatively straightforward. The one thing they can't do is assume victory in any way. Monaco is not a bad team. They're not what I would call a good team, but they're not a bad team either.

Pulisic should start, and seems to have a knack for elevating his game when the pressure is on. He scored the winning goal against Brugge, and granted it was a bit of a fluke, but he worked his ass off and deserved it. In case you don't remember, he also had this little ditty against Benfica awhile back:

Since Dortmund are playing at home, I predict a victory. I predict a 2-1 score line in Dortmund's favor. I predict a good game, since Monaco absolutely needs a victory if they want any chance of going into the round of 16.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom, because I just ate a bunch of uncooked prawns. All hail Champions League and all hail Borussia Dortmund.


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