Skip to main content

Advice Column -- Ask a real Pulisic fan

Dear RPF,

The other day my girlfriend and I got in a fight because she wanted to go out to dinner and I wanted to stay inside and watch the Univision broadcast of the Panama game in Spanish even though we had just finished watching it in English. After some heated comments back and forth she got frustrated, yelled "You're pathetic," and we haven't talked since.

Should I try to win her back?

--Pulisic Fan in Training

Dear PFinT,

This may be hard for you to hear, but the simple answer is no, don't try to win her back. In fact, stay as far away from her as possible, and until you can find a woman who understands your passion for this 19-year-old wunderkind, divide your time between watching highlight videos and taking shots from the top of the 18 with your weak foot. You'll forget about her in no time.

Dear RPF,

The other day at work my boss caught me scrolling through a Pulisic-rich Twitter and also watching various Pulisic highlight videos on YouTube. When he said, "OK, better get back to work now," I pulled a red card out of my wallet and told him to head to the locker room, whereupon he called security.

It looks like I may have lost my job. What's the play here?

--Wannabe Pulisic Fan

Dear WPF,

A red card in that situation might've been too harsh. Maybe a yellow? Though I understand your ire; after watching Pulisic and the USMNT take several egregious pushes and punches against Panama with no cards given, you're probably eager to give out a few of your own.

Apologizing would be tricky. On the one hand you probably want your job back. On the other hand, your boss sounds like a wiener. May you could move to Germany and teach English instead? Like a Real Pulisic Fan?

Dear RPF,

I woke up trembling last night thinking of Pulisic's first touch on that ball that eventually led to his goal against Panama the other night. The ball was behind him! How did he do that so perfectly? And the second touch? And the third? And then putting it in at that angle before doing a perfect somersault on the ground and celebrating with the kind of ferocity usually reserved for Bengal tigers? I had to take three sedatives and watch an hour of highlight videos just to get back to sleep.

What should I do if it happens again?

--Trembling in Tahoe

Dear TT,

What a coincidence. The same thing happened to me last night, except, like a Real Pulisic Fan, I welcomed these tremors and night sweats. And instead of taking a sedative I watched the goal over and over and over until the sun came up, and then I went in my backyard and screamed at the fence.

Do not fight your Pulisic fandom. It is the only way to become a Real Fan.



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Christian Pulisic injury and the real reason he's so good

Apparently Christian Pulisic is injured. Which I find interesting, because how can you injure someone whose flesh and blood are not of this world? To injure Christian Pulisic you'd have to touch him, and I've seen what happens when defenders try to touch Christian Pulisic. Generally the ball goes through their legs or they fall down or, in the rare cases when they do lay a by comparison leprous arm on him, they concede some kind of free kick in a dangerous era. So I don't know about this supposed shin injury. And if he is injured, I doubt it happened on the pitch. I bet Isak was playing a prank on him or something like that. Maybe Aubameyang. But I'd bet dollars to proverbial donuts he's not actually injured. His presence was of course missed on the field against Wolfsburg yesterday, though his replacement, Jadon Sancho, killed it. I didn't know Jadon Sancho was that good. I'd seen him his first time on the field, but that was only a few minutes. I sinc...
Post a Comment
Read more

Josh Sargent Slated for First Team Start (and Pulisic injury speculation)

Let's talk about life goals today. Let's talk about Josh Sargent. Let's talk about Christian Pulisic. Let's talk about Weston McKennie. Let's talk about all the Young Americans currently making their presences felt in the Bundesliga. And let's also talk about surfing. I've been following Josh Sargent at Werder Bremen over the past few months, wondering when he'll get his first first team start. He's been lighting shit up on the second team, with five goals in the last seven matches. And then, the other day, this happened: Josh Sargent's goal for Werder's first team today. Courtesy of u/DerUser-X on Reddit. pic.twitter.com/GPYddT1yyR — USMNT Videos (@USMNTvideos) September 8, 2018 No, your eyes do not deceive you. Josh Sargent's first ever (as far as I can tell) goal for the first team at Werder Bremen. Florian Kohfeldt, the Bremen head coach, has been saying for awhile that Josh is getting groomed for his first first team start ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Christian Pulisic Misses Salzburg Match with Non-Terminal Illness

Dortmund rolled into Salzburg today to compete for a spot in the Europa League Round of 8 conspicuously absent one key player. Looks like Pulisic has flu and Toprak is out with a muscle problem #BVB #FCSBVB https://t.co/9bJfnfO7si — BVB Buzz (@BVBBuzz) March 15, 2018 Christian Pulisic apparently has the flu, which I don't believe, since I don't believe Christian Pulisic gets sick. I mean, Michael Jordan played through the flu before, and I'm not comparing CP to Michael Jordan, but the kid can dunk.  Pulisic: People doubt me, but I can dunk! https://t.co/I8oSqWO7M3 !?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter pic.twitter.com/WSMKf5kZcs — Dave Masters (@davemasters) January 11, 2018 (I dunked once in warm-ups before a rec league basketball game in high school. It was the only time I ever dunked in my illustrious basketball career. Most of the other times I stuck to left-handed layups.) Dortmund played the opposite of good today, which, unless my English fai...
Post a Comment
Read more