Advice Column -- Ask a real Pulisic fan

Dear RPF,

The other day my girlfriend and I got in a fight because she wanted to go out to dinner and I wanted to stay inside and watch the Univision broadcast of the Panama game in Spanish even though we had just finished watching it in English. After some heated comments back and forth she got frustrated, yelled "You're pathetic," and we haven't talked since.

Should I try to win her back?

--Pulisic Fan in Training

Dear PFinT,

This may be hard for you to hear, but the simple answer is no, don't try to win her back. In fact, stay as far away from her as possible, and until you can find a woman who understands your passion for this 19-year-old wunderkind, divide your time between watching highlight videos and taking shots from the top of the 18 with your weak foot. You'll forget about her in no time.

Dear RPF,

The other day at work my boss caught me scrolling through a Pulisic-rich Twitter and also watching various Pulisic highlight videos on YouTube. When he said, "OK, better get back to work now," I pulled a red card out of my wallet and told him to head to the locker room, whereupon he called security.

It looks like I may have lost my job. What's the play here?

--Wannabe Pulisic Fan

Dear WPF,

A red card in that situation might've been too harsh. Maybe a yellow? Though I understand your ire; after watching Pulisic and the USMNT take several egregious pushes and punches against Panama with no cards given, you're probably eager to give out a few of your own.

Apologizing would be tricky. On the one hand you probably want your job back. On the other hand, your boss sounds like a wiener. May you could move to Germany and teach English instead? Like a Real Pulisic Fan?

Dear RPF,

I woke up trembling last night thinking of Pulisic's first touch on that ball that eventually led to his goal against Panama the other night. The ball was behind him! How did he do that so perfectly? And the second touch? And the third? And then putting it in at that angle before doing a perfect somersault on the ground and celebrating with the kind of ferocity usually reserved for Bengal tigers? I had to take three sedatives and watch an hour of highlight videos just to get back to sleep.

What should I do if it happens again?

--Trembling in Tahoe

Dear TT,

What a coincidence. The same thing happened to me last night, except, like a Real Pulisic Fan, I welcomed these tremors and night sweats. And instead of taking a sedative I watched the goal over and over and over until the sun came up, and then I went in my backyard and screamed at the fence.

Do not fight your Pulisic fandom. It is the only way to become a Real Fan.